Saying “no” is usually difficult and even painful.
We are afraid that the other will be angry, disappointed, that he no longer loves us or takes us into account … the list is endless.
It is important to know that the limit is love, always. Love towards the other, when you are a mother and you are educating or nurturing, and love towards yourself, when you establish firm and loving limits in your life. Establishing unconditional love towards yourself and others is key. In my experience, nurturing and educating a child, a niece or nephew one understands the importance of being present for them and centered with yourself.
Boundaries in childhood express that love by reassuring the child’s brain, which is beginning to create its own parameters and needs to lovingly know where the safe zone is. Setting boundaries for children in their childhood, assists the child’s brain in developing their own limits and feelings of safety.
On the other hand, as adults, the expression of these limits is an act that requires us to listen to each other, which implies treating us with love and kindness, offering us that space. In that space, we can cultivate love and kindness.What do I need right now, in this particular situation?
When we are little, “healthy” limits allow us to feel safe and explore the world, promoting self-discovery and openness to the new. How our parents and significant caretakers implemented boundaries with us as children will impact our ability to have healthy limits in our adult lives.
Lovingly firm boundaries.
To establish healthy limits, we must condition ourselves to listen to our true self and act with intention.
- Putting ourselves first (listening to myself): this does not suppose a selfish vision in which I only want the good for myself, but rather to be able to listen to our inner voice. What do I need right now? Do I really feel like doing what they are asking me to do? What will really happen if I say no?
- Express our emotions (express what I feel): When you have to set a limit, stop for a moment and ask yourself: What do I feel? Is there an emotion associated with setting limits? What emotion is it?
Knowing how and when our emotional self reacts is essential to help guide us to set our healthy limits.
- Not being responsible for what others feel (I am not responsible for what others feel): Sometimes it is difficult for us to say No, or to set a clear limit, because we are afraid of hurting the other. In these cases, we treat the other as a fragile child, unable to take No for an answer. If the other person gets angry or upset, offer them a space where they can talk like adults. Remember you are not responsible for their emotions or their state of mind.
Setting lovingly firm limits, listening to ourselves, learning to manage our emotions and not taking responsibility for the emotions or feelings of others, allows us to be assertive. Assertiveness is the appropriate way to communicate and face social situations, openly expressing our opinions, wishes and or feelings.
It is the aspect of emotional freedom related to the ability to fight for one’s own rights.
When we are assertive, we respect our own rights and the rights of others and allow ourselves to express our opinions directly and clearly.
Mariela Mazza.
Lifestyle. Mental Wellbeing. Women’s Empowerment.
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